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“I could be righteous and take the high road, but it doesn’t get me anywhere.”

By Jennifer BlaineJune 30, 2016December 5, 20231 Comment1min read138 views

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I was coaching a client about the way she and her husband argue. “He gets upset when things are not put away. I could tell him he’s overreacting, but it won’t help. I’d be justified in taking the high road, but it doesn’t get me anywhere.”

This is a familiar scenario. We know we are right, but sometimes a disagreement is often not really about the disagreement. My client understood this and considered what was a better use of her energy. “What if you just listened to why he was upset and showed him you were listening?” I offered. “He is feeling a strong feeling. Remember the three troublesome emotions are anger, sadness, or fear. What if you listened to what he said, not for the content but rather with your heart to see what is going on with him?”

My client, being the brilliant woman that she is, said “he’s probably feeling scared that I don’t care how he likes things to be. I can see it’s not about anything I did wrong, it’s just that he needs things to be calmer, so he’ll feel safe.”

When we are compassionate for the person we are battling, the fight becomes irrelevant. In this case, she no longer felt defensive and now responds with compassion. I have no idea whether things are any more orderly than they were in their kitchen, but emotionally things are much more peaceful. Hopefully they are both enjoying that.

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The magic of EFT: Emotional Freedom Technique

By Jennifer BlaineJune 7, 2016December 5, 20230 Comments2min read108 views

* Mona Lisa with the EFT points highlighted

Lately there is increased interest in a modality I use called Emotional Freedom Technique. It also goes by EFT or tapping. I tried it with one client in Cambodia, who told a friend also in Cambodia who loved it, who then recommended her friend in Senegal do the technique with me too! They each report that the relief they experience with tapping has been more effective than all the different kinds of therapy and other techniques they tried before.

Tapping is an extraordinary process, whereby negative thoughts and feelings are removed by tapping on certain acupuncture points throughout the body. In addition, one affirms the things one wants to happen. But part of what distinguishes the way I use EFT from how I’ve seen it used by other practitioners, is that I bring in a poetic blending of many of the things people say during their session and integrate it into a script that is impromptu and utterly tailored to whatever that person is going through at that particular moment. In any coaching session I find what transpires is highly co-creative, meaning that it is about what I’m doing but also what my client is saying and doing. The same thread of intuition that I use in listening during a session leads to the way that I do tapping for that person as well.

One of the clients I worked with this morning offered this feedback:

“I love that you create the EFT tapping script from all the hardship and reveals that come out in our session and morph it into a sort of bath of truth telling, life affirming beauty and goodness.” I find it exciting that people get so much out of the EFT work I do because it is one of the best ways I know for me to be in the unknown, present and creating solutions for people that help change their lives. It’s one of the most healing ways I have found to be creative.

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Sometimes You Need A Good Shove

By Jennifer BlaineFebruary 19, 2016December 5, 20230 Comments2min read114 views

macbeth

When I was 17 I competed in the “Macbeth” contest on Broadway. High school students from all around New York City participated, seeking to best all others in Act 2 Scene 2 of the Scottish Play. My scene partner, Phillip Baskerville, and I advanced, round after round, until we found ourselves standing onstage to compete in the finals at the Mark Hellinger Theatre. The judges were the producers of Macbeth, currently playing in this Broadway theatre, as well as the inimitable Glenda Jackson who was starring as Lady Macbeth.

Shortly before our turn, I became immobilized with fear. My heart racing was nothing new to me, but frozen legs were a first. What was I going to do? “Phillip! … ..You have to push me onstage,” I pleaded. With a great shove Phillip succeeded in launching me onstage and into my opening monologue. Once offstage, neither of us could remember how our performance went, but hoped that we somehow did our best to replicate the choices we’d made during countless rehearsals.

Finally it was time to announce the results. First were the third place finishers, and it was not us. Then second place went to the students from the High School of the Performing Arts (our greatest competition). At last we heard our own names called as the victors! We appeared on the news, interviewed by Christiane Amanpour and were featured in an article by the great theatre critic Howard Kissel. As we toured the theatre on a subsequent visit we also got to meet Christopher Plummer. “Don’t be an actor,” he warned, while sweeping his sword and marking a battle scene, utterly undermining his own words with every jab.

So when people ask if I have performed on Broadway I say “yes.” But I rarely tell them how I did, or that without my amazing scene partner, I would never have made it onstage. There are so many resistances that keep us from going forward and trying, but I hope this piece serves as a good shove to push you where you want to go.

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Faith

By Jennifer BlaineNovember 2, 2015December 5, 20230 Comments3min read170 views

Faith by Jennifer Blaine

Many people have been asking me recently for advice on how to have faith. Not the religious kind, but the faith in dealing with everyday challenges.

One client of mine is undergoing IVF. She devoted her time, energy, and vacation days from her high-powered job so she could undergo the procedure. She and her husband really wanted it to work. After all that, she found out it was unsuccessful.

“The doctor says there is nothing wrong and that the chances that it will eventually work are in my favor,” she told me. “The thing is for now I am just so broken-hearted and disappointed. How am I supposed to keep going, when there’s no guarantee it will work?” she asked.

There was a philosopher named Epictetus who said, “There is only one way to happiness and that is to cease worrying about things which are beyond the power of our will.” This brilliant advice came from someone who was born a slave in 55 AD, but later in life became an advisor to not just one, but two Roman emperors!! The desire to influence things beyond our will is what still tortures many of us. We wish we could control things: our bodies, our feelings, our thoughts, other people, even our sports teams winning! But in fact, when we start to examine what we have control over we begin to see that we have much less than we thought. So where does that leave us?

“We don’t have control,” I told my client, “But we can shift to being willing to have things go well.” One of my favorite self-help gurus is Louise Hay. She offers the saying “I am open and receptive to all good.” What a beautiful intention. As soon as my client tried adopting a willingness to have things work out, and let go of her fears and insecurities, she felt at peace and more assured. She wasn’t giving up by stopping her worrying or feeling sad, she was just letting go. She was even more devoted to a good result, but without all the pressure she had been putting on herself. She looked to see the things she actually had some choice over and set to work exercising those. She decided she would do IVF again when she felt ready. She decided it was silly to think it was her fault. She was just going to intend things working out. Everything else was just a waste of her precious energy.

So much of the time we want a miracle, a change, an improvement. It’s when we release attachment to it that we start to have a different experience, which ends up creating a different result. I find that it’s easier to create from nothing than creating from fear, or from rules that feel constricting, or from what someone else tells us which at times can be a limiting thought. Some people call that faith. I say it is actually the process of creating, and it’s one of the most fulfilling ways I know to engage with life and get fabulous results.

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Tuning Up Our Relationship with Money, Part I: “I am going to get rich by giving away money!”

By Jennifer BlaineAugust 31, 2015December 5, 20230 Comments2min read104 views

One day Lily got it in her head that giving money away would be the coolest thing ever. She had me create an index card that said, “I’m going to get rich by giving away money.” She placed quarters on the edge of the card and set it out on the pavement outside our house and waited for the magic to begin. She spied on each passing person. Would they take the money? At first no one bit, but then people started to read the card, and when they realized she wanted them to have her money they started to cooperate and take the coins. Our next-door neighbor Heather asked Lily about what she was doing and Lily jubilantly explained how important it was to give money away and Heather nodded. Lily kept at it for a solid hour. She was elated! Her money was circulating out into the world. What could be better? She felt rich. She wasn’t trying to get anything. The goal was to give and see how far she could get doing that.

The next day a card came through the mail slot. In it was two dollars from Heather. The card said, “Dear Lily, Girls who give away money deserve to be rich.” This is prosperity at its best. Lily was focusing on giving rather than getting. Because of that she just focused on having fun. As a result, she got back twice as much as she gave away. She freaked out total strangers with her profound generosity. She made a connection with our neighbor. Best of all she really enjoyed the process the whole time, experimenting with giving and receiving. There are many ways to get more prosperous and one key is to realize how you already are.

Try this crazy experiment and let me know what happens when you play with giving away money. What comes back to you?